This week I was in a gathering when one person shared that someone had told her that she should write down her raw emotions and capture the feelings in a journal, so when she reviewed what she had written, it would be a mirror, a reflection of where she is in her healing journey. I always felt so raw and exposed to open myself, to be vulnerable with others. I’ve never been good with expressing my emotions. I’ve worked very hard over these last few years to tear down the walls and share myself with those who are closest to me. I consider this still a work in progress. A few recent setbacks have temporarily messed with my equilibrium but I’m confident that I will endure and get through the current challenges.
I started this personal blog in November 2012, when I was so broken. I was hurting, in a dark place and trying to get centered and grounded. These last few weeks, I’ve suffered new problems that have made me experience a wave of emotions. But, going back and reviewing all my old inspirational quotes, pictures and messages have served as healing therapy. I can read a poem or look at a picture and immediately anchor what I was feeling and experiencing at the time.
Writing is a form of healing, it empties out the emotion that is trapped inside your body. I’m an empathetic, sensitive soul so I feel things very intensely. It takes me a while to process all my feelings. So the last few months, I’m having to deal with the death of a young family member, loss of a job,loss of my closest friend, and reliving childhood trauma- I retreated back into a wounded child state. I felt angry for what had happened to me, feeling sorry for oneself is the first place of retreat. Today, I’m feeling a lot more reflective, I have a birthday approaching in a few days so I’ve been telling myself that I’m going to be a another year older and I should focus on everything I’ve gained this last year instead of what I’ve lost. My heart should be full of gratitude because of the many blessings in my life. Yesterday I went to the mall and saw a group of young teens who were on a field trip from our local blind school. Watching walk around the mall with their canes made me put life into perspective. All of us have a destiny to fulfill, it is okay to feel sad and lonely and grieve the losses but the soulful ones, pick up the pieces, find purpose and meaning in their life and focus on the good. Today I commit to focusing on the good. To forgive those who have hurt me, to look at them with love and compassion, to acknowledge the grief of those that have passed and to release the wounds of the past. I don’t want my present life to become a prisoner of my past. I don’t believe that time heals old wounds, but I do believe that with time you can touch the scar and not look at it from the wounded place, instead view it as a symbol of endurance.