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805 Conversations – Journal Entry

I wrote about the number 805 a few days ago because that is the exact number of IM conversations that I had exchanged just between last August and this April with someone who was my little adoptive sister, my best friend, my soul sister and the one person who I had depended on for the last few years of my life-to always be there- through each other’s joy and sadness. We had supported each other through so much, issues with work, sick kids, sick pets, disagreements with family, our soul journey, our spiritual awakening. This was the most authentic and genuine connection, I believed in my heart that we must have known each other in past lifetimes. There was a strong energetic pull. We were in touch every day. There was incredible synchronicity, mental connection and respect for each other’s intellect. For me,
I really didn’t believe in any of that soul connection stuff until I had met her. This was no romantic relationship, I’m grateful that we are both straight otherwise man this would have been even more complicated. Yet in the end, I got dumped and the relationship was dishonored and left me feeling like I was some cheap one night stand. Really, that’s what it has felt like. I have a lot of shame around that- perhaps that’s how folks are dumping each other these days-social media-you date someone for a few years and then you just want out- I think that’s where the disconnect was- for me it was a life long heart connection and for her it was just a relationship of convenience. I could hear things that others could not but now that there are others that are available to listen, I became disposable.
Last year, we had shared a special poignant exchange on Mothers Day as she was remembering her beautiful mother who isn’t with us anymore but who I have on several occasions been in contact with through my ability as a medium and myself who was grieving the loss of an adoption that had fallen through. I was sitting here reflecting on the paradox of life, how you can hold joy and sadness in your heart at the same time? How you can celebrate special memories and still feel a gaping hole in your heart? Too bad, I wasn’t born a few centuries ago because back then we had different outlets to release our emotions. I’m grateful that I have this place to vent my catharsis and let go of the stuff trapped in my body so it doesn’t consume me. I’m feeling sad because this isn’t the only loss I’ve sustained this year but it is the one which has left me the most wounded. I’ve lost faith in the ability to create safety and security that you create with another human being when you create a bond of trust, you allow yourself to become completely vulnerable. My biggest fear has always been trusting the wrong people. I thought this time, I had made the better choice but I was wrong. I’m not the first person to have been betrayed in a close relationship or been dumped by someone who you thought was family and neither will I be the last but I hope that with each life experience we take time to reflect and see what the lesson is that we can take away. By reflecting on how we are feeling in our heart and in our body we can process our emotions. We can forge ahead and create new connections with other people and hope that the next friend or family member won’t treat you as poorly as the last one. My message for today is that if there is anyone out there who you’ve hurt purposefully or by accident, pick up the phone and apologize. I think having compassion in your heart and forgiveness make you feel lighter. My words of wisdom for today.
Blessings to those who are listening and holding space for me as I grieve this loss. image

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